


Pianogirl’s Rules for Healthy, Communicative Dating Between Messed-Up But Awesome People

by Pianogirl



Series: Rules for Dating [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Communication, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Haven't you ever wanted to yell at fictional characters?, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-08 14:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pianogirl/pseuds/Pianogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which I tell fictional characters to get their shit together. Because it seemed like a thing to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pianogirl’s Rules for Healthy, Communicative Dating Between Messed-Up But Awesome People

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gwynhefar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwynhefar/gifts).



> This is meant to be loving and humorous and not at all critical. (It can also be read as something of a mission statement for the series I want to build around the three pairings in Fresh Start, kinda maybe sorta seeing how that goes, no promises because RL.) I have read and heartily enjoyed fics featuring the vast majority of these tropes. Just... sometimes I want the characters to pull it together and get to their happy ending a little faster, by way of me backseat-driving their lives. This is addressed entirely to the characters and in no way to their authors, who have given me many happy angsty lost-in-a-good-fic hours. Ok, just wanted to be clear. Love to all.

1: Talk. To each other. About your shit.

2: No, really. Talk.  
_ _2a:_ Even if you Just Know you will be rejected.  
_ _2b:_ Even if there’s sex pollen.  
_ _2c:_ Or mind control.  
_ _2d:_ Or an undercover mission that requires posing as a couple.  
_ _2e:_ Or mistaken identity.  
_ _2f:_ Or some kind of werewolf mate-or-be-eaten deal.  
_ _2g:_ Or an evil body double.  
_ _2h:_ Or a horny body double.  
_ _2i:_ Or a surprise baby.  
_ _2j:_ Or an adorable moppet that you must work together to care for because reasons.  
_ _2k:_ Or alcohol.  
_ _2l:_ Or magic. (Yeah. Magic sucks.)  
_ _2m:_ Or you think they are dating your friend/ex/mother/coworker/nemesis/etc.  
_ _2n:_ Even if ALL OF THESE THINGS HAPPEN AT ONCE. (Yes, take a moment and imagine that.)  
_ _2o:_ In short, there is absolutely no situation in which you may ignore this rule.  
_ _2p:_ FOR REAL PEOPLE I AM NOT KIDDING.

3: Repeat after me: I am a worthwhile human being/mutant/alien/vampire/werewolf/military experiment/other form of sentient life, and I deserve both happiness and longevity.

4: Establish short- and long-term expectations and desires.  
_ _4a:_ Communicate these to each other.  
_ _4b:_ Pretending that you are fine with whatever one-night stand/fuckbuddy arrangement/hostile enemy setup/etc you have going on with the person you are gone on just simply Never Works. If you have further questions, refer to Rule 1. And also Rule 3.

5: Repeat after me: to assume makes an ass out of you and me. This is your Bible. Wake up to it, fall asleep to it, live and die by it. And whatever you do, DATE BY IT. Any further questions, refer to Rule 1.

6: Self-destructiveness is not attractive. That said, it is an understandable side effect of your backstory. Work on it.  
_ _6a:_ Do let your special someone know if you believe your death to be imminent.  
_ _6b:_ Tony Stark, I am looking at you.

7: You are not responsible for each other’s self-esteem. That’s what friends are for.  
_ _7a:_ MAKE FRIENDS.  
_ _7b:_ And then talk to them.

8: The easiest way to stop being a shithead is to stop being a shithead. So stop being a shithead. Please.  
_ _8a:_ When shitheadedness occurs, sincere, heartfelt apologies are your best friend. Get to know them well.  
_ _8b:_ (Let’s all pause to wonder at the fact that my spellchecker recognizes shitheadedness as a word.)

9\. Being really, really good at sex does not make up for being a shithead.  
_ _9a:_ Likewise, really good sex does not compensate for being evil.  
_ _9b:_ No, really, stop being evil.  
_ _9c:_ Loki, I am looking at you.

10\. Do not dump someone for their own good. This is stupid.  
_ _10a:_ And also condescending and self-important.  
_ _10b:_ And I will jump into fic-space and slap sense into you like I am a badass relationship counselor version of Thursday Next.  
_ _10c:_ Try me.

11\. Respect boundaries. Boundaries are awesome.  
_ _11a:_ Personal space is also healthy.

12\. Take this as a given: your flirting is confusing and counterproductive. Now refer to Rule 1.

13\. Chain of command. It’s a thing. Work it out.  
_ _13a:_ Preferably before you’re in the field facing an army of evil robots and bickering about who gets to be the martyr.

14\. Do not place magnetic objects on any metallic part of your lover’s body. It is simply bad form.

15\. Always take each other seriously.  
_ _15a:_ But life is funny, so build some in-jokes, too.

16\. Stalking = uncool. The end.

17\. Nightmares can be a positive catalyst for emotional bonding and comfort.  
_ _17a:_ Don’t take it personally if they aren’t, though.  
_ _17b:_ And don’t overshare. You will regret it in the morning.  
_ _17c:_ And don’t just hang around watching the object of your affection sleep. That would make you a creeper. See also: Rule 16.

18\. Snuggle. A lot. Snuggling is _excellent_.  
_ _18a:_ Cuddling is also good.  
_ _18b:_ And hand-holding.  
_ _18c:_ And hugging.  
_ _18d:_ And hair-ruffling.  
_ _18e:_ Sniffing can be a little creepy, though. Take that on a case-by-case basis.

19\. Be nice.  
_ _19a:_ Be ridiculously, extravagantly nice.  
_ _19b:_ Shower each other in niceness.

20\. No time like the present.  
_ _20a:_ It should not take death, kidnapping, severe bodily harm, weird pregnancies and/or a body swap for you to make the first move.  
_ _20b:_ All the retconning in the world cannot change the fact that you live lives of danger. Embrace it and seize the moment.  
_ _20c:_ Yes, NOW.

21\. It’s not supposed to be easy. But it _is_ supposed to be good.

22\. Did I mention Rule 1? Yeah, go read that again.

Now go forth and be slashy!

**Author's Note:**

> If I may be cheesetastic for a moment, this is dedicated to Mrs. Pianogirl, who is 110% awesome even though she doesn’t like superheroes.
> 
> And also gwynhefar, whose comment on another fic inspired this bit of nonsense.


End file.
